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I Should’ve Stayed In Bed

October 7, 2014


It was my only job that weekend, and still I forgot about it. Which was reasonable in light of what occurred, not that my girlfriend Beulah agreed with me.

It went like this:

  • Incident One: 5:00 AM Saturday Morning. Stepped in a disgustingly squishy lump of poo that I didn’t see in the dark, left on my lawn by my right-side neighbor’s dog named Peaches’n’cream, a nasty, yippy, little  brown-and white Chihuahua.
    Result: A pair of shoes that were so filthy and stinky that I had to toss them into the trash and put on fresh sneakers.
  • Incident Two: 5:15 AM The end of the walk. Slipped on a discarded banana peel.
    Result: Sprained my left ankle. Had to hobble back to the house, wrap it in Ace bandage and put an ice pack on it.
  • Incident Three: 5:45 Am Three blocks down the street. Passing car’s hubcap was flung hard against my right leg.
    Result: Trip to emergency room in ambulance, fractured tibia and fibula, walking cast applied, crutches provided, pain medications prescribed.
  • Incident Four: 10:45 AM At a diner eating brunch. Waiter tripped over crutches and accidentally stabbed my left hand with his #2 yellow pencil nicking a vein.
    Result: Return trip to ER for treatment of puncture wound and blood loss. Eight stitches and a large bandage. Medication for infection prescribed.
  • Incident Five: 4:15 PM Returning home carrying Chinese take-out. Attacked by my left-side neighbor’s cat Alfred, a massive black-and-white Maine Coon. I think he was attracted by the scent of the Kung Pow Chicken.
    Result: Dropped supper. Returned to ER yet again. Treated for bites to right hand, and numerous claw marks on face, torso and right arm. A tetanus shot. More bandages and medications.
  • Incident Six: 11:30 PM Returned home for the evening. I looked like some weird version of the mummy, with bandages everywhere but my left arm, limping along on crutches, and I was buzzed out of my mind with pain medications. My girlfriend Beulah started screaming at me as soon as I get inside. She was so angry that she didn’t even bother to look at me. “Where have you been all day Harvey?! I only asked you to do one little errand for me and you couldn’t be bothered! I’ve had it with your laziness, forgetfulness, and broken promises! I’m leaving you!” She slammed me against the door, bruising me as she rushed out.
    Result: I no longer have a girlfriend.

After all of that is it any wonder that I completely forgot to pickup the dry-cleaning? I pondered the events of the day and came to a single, simple, obvious conclusion. I should have stayed in bed

My friend Samuell summed it up succinctly for me when I related my tale of woe the next day. “Man Harvey, if it weren’t for bad luck you’d have no luck at all.”

465 Words in response to Flash! Friday #2-14, 500 word limit, Special Challenge: Include three of the following: a dog named P-weezy, a cat named Pancho, a left shoe, a yellow #2 pencil, a hubcap, a banana peel
Used: banana peel, hubcap, a #2 yellow pencil

One Comment
  1. Loved it…

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